So, I’ve decided to start writing again. I’m not sure why, but sometimes there are some things I need to say and some things I need to share. And other times, I don’t feel the need to share anything at all. I honestly can’t explain it. All I know is that these creative tsunamis that crash into my brain are unpredictable and weird. Usually they are spurred on by events in my life. And usually those events are the ups and downs of being a stage 4 cancer survivor.
I realize that I am in a unique position of having a debilitating disease that is progressing slow enough that I can write about the process. My latest PSA has ticked up again, and I have scans scheduled for the next week. Upcoming scans will always get my brain working overtime, and a lot of those thoughts are not positive. And writing a bunch of depressing stuff right before a scan seems a little counterproductive. So, I haven’t written a lot.
But, during this whole process, I have realized that I need to write about all of it. The good days, the bad days, and the days that the disease gets inside my brain and rattles around like a bunch of pool balls after an aggressive break. The depression that comes with it is sometimes enough to send me into a tailspin of fear and self loathing, and it also makes me wonder about the unfairness of it all. Which starts a great big pity party for myself. Which helps continue the fear and self loathing. It’s an ugly cycle.
But there are other parts of this journey that are uplifting and inspirational and cool. Knowing your own mortality gives you a special way to look at the world. Life is more precious. I don’t take the people in my life for granted. I think I love deeper now than I ever have. A sunrise means more. A bright sunny winter day brings a smile. I recently took a trip to visit my son Travis in Seattle. I loved it. Just being able to be in a place that I had never been to before was a blast, and I think the experience was sweeter because every time I experience something I know it might be my last. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it’s part of my new normal.
Our son Jeff was recently married to the love of his life, Kristina. The wedding was wonderful, great fun and it was great to see all of our friends and family again, some of which I had not seen for awhile. I think I spent most of that day just marveling at what was going on around me. And that kind of thing, the thing where I just look around and realize how lucky I am that I am loved and have awesome friends and family, is a cancer thing. When you’re stage 4, you take nothing for granted. Every experience, every hug, every laugh, is special.
So I’m gonna start writing again. Some of the stuff might be a little depressing. Some of it might be a little clinical. Hopefully, some of it will be funny. And my aim with this blog is to not just write about cancer, but other things as well. Sports, politics, and my job are other subjects I will be taking on. And, I also have to talk about God. I’m still not going to church, but I am praying and reading the Bible. The whole religious thing is more personal to me now, and I will share that with you also.
Stay tuned for more to come.
Thanks for reading.