Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What’s that noise? He’s talking to me, and I can see that he’s talking to me, but all I hear is this buzzing noise. Where’s it coming from? What’s going on here?
I need to concentrate, try staring at his lips as they form words, try to anticipate the right non verbal cues.
Nod your head, dopey. He seems to be pretty serious right now, so, c’mon Dan, look interested, look smart, look like you can follow a totally incoherent conversation about this ridiculously complicated big thing that’s going on in your life.
Crap, he’s stopped talking. Respond, respond RESPOND!
YES, THAT MAKES SENSE, DOC. WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
Holy shit, that was a little too loud, a little too enthusiastic, he probably thinks I’m some sort of unfeeling psychopath. Hang in there, dude, stay calm. Is my back sweating? Jesus, help me here.
He’s right in front of me, but I’m having a hard time seeing him. It’s kind of like standing in a backyard looking into a house thru a screen door. A little blurry, a little hard to hear.
Concentrate, man! This shit is important. There’s gonna be a quiz on this material. Your family and friends are gonna want to know what’s going on, and it’s your job to make this make sense to them. There will be lots of questions.
Uh oh, he stopped talking again. He’s handing me stuff. A thick folder of papers. Am I supposed to read this now? Good god, there are a lot of words. Time to respond again.
THANKS, DOC. I’LL LOOK IT OVER. TIME TO GET STARTED ON THE NEW CLINICAL. HOPEFULLY, THIS ONE WILL WORK.
Hopefully, this one will work?? Nice, you moron, way to have confidence in your care team. Was that a little loud again? Seemed a little loud. Where is that buzzing sound coming from?
He’s standing up, reaching for the door, he’s leaving, he’s talking! Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up!
…..bzzzzzzzzzzandwe’llbegettingback to you when we’re ready to get you started on the tests and forms. You’re gonna need a biopsy, so we can see if you’re eligible for the treatment.
OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD DOC.
Shit, eligible for what treatment? A biopsy? For what? I’m sure he told me. Something about genetic markers? That sounds about right. If I say genetic markers to people they won’t know what I’m talking about and it sounds kinda smart. Fake it till ya make it, I always say.
He’s gone. I’m in the room alone. Feeling numb and heavy. Why am I crying? Oh, yeah, bad news again. Again and again and again and again. The last thing I remember is he said something about the trial no longer working and my tumors had tripledinsizeandafterthatbzzzzzzzzzzzz
In the car. Sitting in the parking lot. Texting friends. Calling family. Yep, treatment stoped working. Yep, gonna start a new one. Uh, not sure, genetic something or other.
Start the car. Be careful, dumbass. The last time you got bad news you were driving on the highway and 95 felt slow. The last time you got bad news you got angry at work and got hurt. The last time you got bad news you felt like it was time to end this shit.
I’ll stop and get a coffee. I’ll take a drive in the country.
And then maybe the buzzing will stop.
Thanks for reading
Peace
Fishrocks 
Yep, I hear ya. I try to take someone with me and paper and pen. Otherwise I miss a lot in these meetings. I trust you can find peace and a way forward through all this chaos. Cheers, Phil
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Oh Dan my heart breaks reading this. I don’t have the words you need right now but just know you are always there in my thoughts. I’ll keep praying.
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I don’t even know how to properly respond. Is there a proper response? It’s not like you’re a kid and “it’ll be ok” does anything for you. I think as adults maybe that is replaced by “let’s get together for a beer/drink”. That seems to be a common response that seems to momentarily put your mind into a place that has happy memories. I also have had my own experiences where I was ok with dying at that time, so I completely understand the “I quit”. I can’t give words of comfort that last very long, I can’t tell you which essential oil works. I got nothing. I could run down the religious road, but you already know that road, exits, entrances and intersections. The only thing that I think I can tell you that addresses where you are at is I love you brother! I/we would normally tell you about all the good you are doing, but nah. I think it more important just to tell you I love you. I care about you, your decisions, your feelings, your results. But maybe, right or wrong, I care about where to meet you where you are, and what bar?Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone
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Love you too, Mike. The last couple of months have been the most challenging of my life. I’ve been in the ER multiple times, and the new drugs I’m on make me feel kinda awful. Hopefully, as my body adjusts, things will get better. My tastebuds are all out of whack, so drinking a beer is a day to day proposition. Actually, right now, life is a day to day proposition. Thanks for checking in and being a friend.
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