Scan Day Musings…

Scan days are for the most part routine for me now. I go every two months because I’m on a clinical trial. All these scans, and not one saw an esophageal ulcer. Weird…

I get my scans done at Blodgett Hospital in East Grand Rapids because the parking is easier. Last year they put in pay gates for their parking lot. They’ve been in the up position ever since. Not sure why you would put in gates if you have no intention of using them…

They also have valet parking, which is kind of funny. Give your car to the valet, and they park it 20 feet away…

When I get scheduled for scans, the hospital calls me. We set up the appointment and I answer a lot of questions. Then I go online and confirm the appointment and answer a lot of questions. And then when I get there I use the kiosk, confirm that I’m there and answer a lot of questions. And then when they come get me they ask who I am and I answer a lot of questions…

One of the many questions they ask through all of these occasions is, “Do you have a port?” To which I answer yes. And then they ask, “Do you wish us to access your port?” To which I answer yes again..

And then when the nurse from nuke med comes to get me, she starts prepping me for an IV. I say, “Um…I have a port.” To which she then asks, “You do? Would you like us to access your port for the scan?” Uh, yeah…

The next question usually is, “Do you have a power port?” To which I answer, “Yes, you can charge your phone with it.” This never elicits a laugh, but l’m gonna keep trying…

It’s not a great joke, I’ll admit, but I would expect at least a smile. Maybe they’ve heard it too many times…

I usually grab a bagel in Eastown in between scans. Eastown is the kind of place with small cafes, farm to table restaurants and used bookstores. You know, a place with hipster communists. I try to eat my bagel in peace and not be converted to Marxism…

Sometimes I move to a Starbucks in EGR. EGR is more blue hair Republican. The home of good ol’ Jerry Ford. I’m sorta surprised there isn’t some sort of checkpoint Charlie between the two suburbs. “Papers, please…”

When I was on my high school swim team, we used to swim against EGR. They killed us. I once swam in the 100 free, and the guy from EGR swam butterfly and beat me. Not my best day…

My friends asked if I was pissed that he did that. Like he showed me up. I laughed. What was a supposed to do, jump over the lane line and try to drown him? I couldn’t do that. He was faster than me, I never would have caught him…

If it was baseball, my next pitch would’ve been a high inside fastball to drop him. Show me up, you get some high cheese! But, alas, it was swimming. I suppose I could’ve tried to snap him with a wet towel…

The waiting time in between scans is kind of weird. Just waiting for those radioactive isotopes to light up my bones. Kind of a strange time to order a bagel…

The parking in EGR is free. The communists in Eastown charge $1.50 an hour. When it comes to taking your money, communists become capitalists…

I am currently writing this on my phone in a Starbucks. I sometimes think people that see me typing furiously on my phone might think I’m sending the worlds longest text thread. I should have a laptop to fit in better to the whole “I’m in Starbucks writing my novel” kinda vibe. Nobody in their right mind would write a novel on a iPhone 8. Well, almost nobody…

About time to head back to the hospital and answer more questions. “Are you here for your bone scan?” Uh… yeah, we just talked about this 2 hours ago…

The sun is out today. After the bone scan, a Zoey walk. I’m tolerating the pills a little better lately, although I’m still very thankful for more porta potties on my walking route. Sometimes the pills want to take the express route out of my body at very inopportune times. Zoey is used to my rest stops…

Okay, time to head back to the hospital. I’m feeling all sorts of radioactive. I wish it would give me superpowers…

Back at the hospital. The lady checking me back in asked my name, and then spent a long minute looking at two different computer screens trying to find me. Was getting a “Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?” attitude from her. Stood there under my mask and my Michigan hat trying hard not to roll my eyes…

The bone scan is way easier than the CT scan. No IV, no nasty contrast, no nausea, and no feeling like you’re going to pee your pants. You just lay still while the machine runs over you. Wait, that sounds weird. It runs the length of your body. It doesn’t actually run over you, like a truck. That would hurt, and definitely would be way worse than peeing your pants…

The machine is glitchy today. It doesn’t want to move. He’s taking the controls and moving it inches at a time. They just told me they’re shutting the machine down after me and calling maintenance. Super…

Uh-oh. The tech wants a couple of extra pictures of my hips. Great. Now I get to wonder what the hell he found. I know better than to ask the tech because he will just give me the “The scans have to be looked at by the doc” routine. Right, dude, but if you’re taking extra pics, does that mean something’s there? Shit…

Now I have scanxiety. The tech also said that they will rush the results to the doc so I will get the results right away. Wait, what? Why? Damn it, I hate scanxiety…

I’m done with scans for today, and I make my way to the parking lot. I try to push my fear away. It’s a beautiful day, and I’m out of the hospital. It’s now lunchtime and I’m hungry again…

Maybe I’ll stop and get a commie hot dog. I hear they’re delicious.

Thanks for reading.

Peace