Dilaudid Dreams

Ok, folks, here we go.

If you’ve been a regular reader of mine, you know that I try to write a blog every few weeks to give both my friends and fellow cancer survivors regular updates on my condition. This can be challenging at times, considering that my condition has now moved into a more critical stage.

I entered hospice care back in December with the understanding that any further cancer treatment would be palliative, basically because the care I was receiving, a drug called Pluvicto, was falling short on any kind of cure or even a hold for my particular brand of prostate cancer. My PSA dropped a little, but certainly not enough to start a party or ring any bells.

And, with my latest setback being a broken femur and constant hip and pelvis pain, the decision was made to just try to make me as comfortable as possible as I entered the last stage of my life.

Seems pretty cut and dried, eh? Chill out at home while riding a wave of narcotics that keep me calm and comfortable. I envisioned myself slowly drifting off to sleep and then into the arms of the Lord for some eternal rest.

Ahhhhhhh.

Well, funny thing is, it really hasn’t worked out that way. First off, finding the right drug that gives me pain relief and also doesn’t bind me up tighter than a snare in a 4 piece jazz ensemble has been a challenge for my docs. Look, I’m down with getting rid of the pain, but if it comes with a unhealthy dose of nuclear constipation, that complicates things a bit.

Also, I kinda wanted to avoid walking around like an extra in a zombie movie. Having meaningful conversations with loved ones and friends is important to me, and laying in bed with my tongue lolling out of my mouth while Nurse Rachett gives me more pills seemed counterproductive to that goal.

So, a few different drugs were called into play. OxyContin was the first drug of choice. Oxy did a great job with the pain, and I didn’t feel too wigged out, although I’m sure Holly and Travis could give you a different report on that. But it bound me up pretty good, and not pooping was a problem. Also, the Oxy slowly became less effective with the pain, sooooooo….what’s next?

My doc went to the mound, and put out the call to the bullpen for good ol morphine. Morphine has been around around a long time, and is a very effective pain reliever, albeit with a big ol helping of side effects. But, back in 1981, I developed hives while on a morphine drip, so, yeah, my docs weren’t that thrilled with giving me that particular pain reliever.

So, let me introduce you to my latest pain reliever, dilaudid, which is delivered to my body through a portable pain pump. Since starting on this particular regiment, my need for additional pain relievers has dropped dramatically. It also has allowed me to become more mobile, since the meds are delivered in a pump that I can carry around. If you’ve paid attention to my regular Facebook page, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve actually gotten out into the real world now and then.

Which, I’m sure for a lot of you, is confusing. Like, wait, I thought Dan was laying in his death bed, waiting for the guy with the black hoodie and scythe to come calling. How is he going to a bar and having a cocktail with the wife like it’s a regular Saturday?

It’s the dilaudid. I feel better, with less pain, so I’m able to feel like a regular member of society. A cold beer tastes a little funny, so I’m more apt to go with a fruity cocktail, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. That’s a side effect I can live with.

Other side effects with dilaudid? Tiredness. And when I say tiredness, I mean bone weary, fade away and fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, tiredness. I’m a podcast listener, but lately it’s become very difficult to follow a pod when I have to keep going back to a previous point the podcaster was trying to make. Once again, another side effect I can live with.

(I like to listen to sports and politics pods, but I also like true crime pods. And yes, I’m aware that true crime pods are more of a “chick” thing, but hey, after being on Lupron for the past 8 years, I might as well take advantage of that emerging side of my personality.)

But, with the tiredness also comes the side effect of not being able to write that well. If you are currently reading this blog, well, congratulations, your reading what is probably draft #20 of this current iteration of Fishrocks. It hasn’t been pretty. I mean, I don’t consider myself the second coming of Hemingway or Faulkner, but jeez, I’ve written some drafts that have been downright 6th grade essay test level material. Woof.

Another side effect that I didn’t think would have much on an effect on my life is how the dilaudid has put me on a roller coaster of good and bad moods. Which confuses my docs, my nurses, my loved ones, my friends and finally, me. There are days when I feel like this is my last, that laying in my bed for another few hours will be the end of me.

But then, I wake up in the morning and whadya know, I feel way better. From puking the night before to, “Hey, let’s go out for coffee!”

It’s confusing, and it’s throwing people off. My doc and nurse sometimes think I’m on my last legs but then hey, maybe he’s got a couple more weeks yet.

My body is breaking down, and my cancer is still trying to kill me. But my body is also pretty strong. Remember, before all this latest stuff came down in November, Zoey and I were still going out for walks everyday. It’s not like I was bedridden and weak.

I’m getting weaker. I’m not eating much and I’ve lost weight. I can’t remember the last time I was truly hungry. But, I’m also enjoying life watching sports with Travis, and just marveling at the overall cuteness of my grandson JJ. Holly and I have had some special times together, too. We’ve cried in each other’s arms, but have also laughed while sharing a plate of nachos at a local dive.

So, hospice is a what it is. It can be comforting and calming, like this is where I need to be. But it can also be confusing and like, is this where I need to be? I’ve never done this before, so you’ll have to bear with me as I try to figure this out.

In the mean time, keep praying for Holly and my family, because it truly helps. But, if I can ask, don’t just pray for my soul or my overall feeling of contentment. Please pray for me to have some discernment on what God wants me to say. Figuring that out has been tough for me. What does a flawed factory worker turned blogger have to say to the world about the death and dying process? What can we learn?

Wow, I think I just wrote a whole blog. Got through it all, I did. Time for a nice prune juice cocktail. Also, I think someone’s at the door. Nice hoody! And where did you get that kick-ass scythe?

Thanks for reading.

Peace