If you clicked on this blog because you saw the headline on Facebook or twitter and thought to yourself, “The one poop rule? I need to check this out” you just fell for my first click bait headline ever. I’m not proud of this. Many times as I’ve scrolled through various stories on the internet, saw something and thought to myself, “Hell yes I want to see what the kid from ‘Different Strokes’ looks like now.” And then I was completely disappointed by having to go through many pages of people I didn’t care about, God knows how many ads, and a couple of “Congratulations, you just won a new iPhone “things that I’m never really sure what to do with. And then I would give up before actually seeing what Gary Coleman looks like today. This is not that. If you want to know what the one poop rule is, simply scroll down to the bottom of the page. I’ll wait.
You back? Ok. On with the blog.
I decided that Fishrocks, the blog, needed more of an explanation of who I am and what I am trying to do here. I wrote on the front page of this thing (at least I think it’s the front page. I’m still not sure what I am doing) that this blog is going to be about things that I am interested in. I figure that way I can hopefully make it interesting for you as well. I’m gonna take on everything.
You know that rule that you should never talk about politics, religion or sports at a dinner party? Well, those are some of the things that I am really interested in. Along with those argument staples, I also intend to talk about music, movies, food, television and other items of pop culture. And of course, cancer. Without further ado, a small breakdown on some of these big subjects.
I have always been interested in the grand play of politics. I remember the presidential election of 1968, when I was only 6 years old. I was a big Nixon guy. Whoops. Hey, I was 6! Anyway, throughout my high school and college years, I swung pretty hard left. That changed when I got married, had a family, and started paying taxes. When I was making six bucks an hour and the government was taking a big chunk of it, I started to think less about of how the government can help my fellow man and more about how the government can get the hell out of my pocket so I can do things like buy a house, raise a family, and buy a car that I don’t have to pray over every time I turn the key.
Here’s what I consider myself to be right now. I am a fiscally conservative and socially libertarian. What does that mean? It means that if you want to marry Bob, the androgynous billy goat, more power to ya. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others,(although I’m not sure how to tell if Bob would be ok with this arrangement) I’m fine with what you are doing. Live and let live I always say. But, if Bob, the androgynous billy goat goes in for breast reduction surgery, I don’t want to pay for it. That’s where the conservative part of the equation comes in. I think the government pays for far too many things.
But, my liberal friends would protest, what about the things I don’t want to pay for? Like the military? Ok, I get that. The military is full of waste too. I think all aspects of the government needs to be looked at and audited. But in the preamble of the constitution it says the government is supposed to provide for the common defense. And if providing for the common defense means having Apache helicopters that have 30mm chainguns, rockets and hellfire missiles that can completely smoke a group of Taliban fighters bearing down to attack a combat outpost full of American soldiers, then hell yes, let’s get a bunch of them.
“Where’s the church, who took the steeple? Religion’s in the hands of some crazy ass people.”
Jimmy Buffet, “Fruitcakes”.
I have been going to church, on and off, since I was a baby. I was a part of the Reformed Church of America denomination, very conservative, very uptight, and very Dutch. To people who are reading this from other areas of the country and the world, western Michigan is a conservative Dutch enclave. There is practically a church on every corner. We takes this church thing very seriously.
When you see what the Netherlands looks like now, with legalized drugs and prostitution, it is my opinion that the uptight Dutch people got on ships long ago and traveled to the New World so they wouldn’t have to put up with all the pot smoking, prostitute using hippies that live there now. In other words, the uptight Dutch people got away from the fun Dutch people.
When Jesus was asked which of the Ten Commandments was the greatest, He said,”Love your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it, love thy neighbor as thyself.”(Wow. I went totally King James Version there. I grew up in a King James Version world. None of that new version shit for me. I once had a zone leader at Steelcase who prayed before a Christmas potluck with all the thys and thous of a good Christian Reformed preacher. Most of the people stared at him in amazement but I just chuckled and thanked him for a great King James prayer. Oops, went off on a tangent here. Back to the blog!)When I was growing up, the first and greatest commandment was, “Remember the Sabboth day and keep it holy.” In Jenison, we had the only McDonald’s in the country closed on Sunday. When a local grocery chain decided to open on Sunday, people boycotted. So Sunday’s were meant for church. Morning church, night church, Sunday school, youth group, I was a well versed little church going, God fearing, child of God.
And none of it meant anything to me. It wasn’t until later in life did I really feel the love of Christ and the difference he could make in my life. When I was a kid, it just meant on a Sunday night in the summer, I had to sit in an unairconditioned church in uncomfortable clothes wishing I could be at the beach. Or watching a baseball game. Or, really, anywhere else in the world.
I could go on and on about this whole religion thing, but I see by the word counter thingie that I am about to violate the One Poop Rule.
The One Poop Rule
The One Poop Rule is pretty simple. I want to keep this blog down to the size that if you are reading this blog while pooping, you should be able to read the whole thing in one, um, session. I figure that is somewhere between 500 and 1000 words, give or take. Once I get over a thousand words a few things could happen.
1. You finish your business before you get to the end of the blog, totally missing some brilliant or salient point that is the key to the whole thing. When you go back in there, you forget about my blog and end up watching funny cat videos on YouTube.
2. You are reading my blog, you are mildly entertained or incredibly pissed off but oddly compelled, so you keep reading and before you know it your legs have fallen asleep. I’ve had this happen. It sucks.
3. When I post my cancer stuff on here, I will also be posting on the prostate cancer support page. Some of the guys on there are older, which means if they are reading my blog on the toilet, and their legs fall asleep, EMTs will probably have to be called. Which would REALLY suck.
And that, my friends, is the One Poop Rule. If you came down here just to read this, do me a favor, go back up and read the rest of the blog. Or not. Totally up to you. The fact that you clicked on it got me a view. If someday Fishrocks becomes a commercial website and I can make some money off this thing and realize my goal of buying a 1967 VW Microbus with the proceeds, I’ll need all the clicks I can get.
And I just noticed the counter thingie is now over 1400 words. I hope you can get up.
Thanks for reading.